


David Attenborough Is In My Bedroom

by RunRabbitRun



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-27
Updated: 2012-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-30 04:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunRabbitRun/pseuds/RunRabbitRun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki begins to notice strange happenings around his house...</p>
            </blockquote>





	David Attenborough Is In My Bedroom

**Author's Note:**

> This was done for the kinkmeme for the prompt _"The Earthlings put Loki, as a jotunn, on the endangered species list._
> 
> Also, [Kalakyria](http://kalakirya.livejournal.com/) did a hilarious podfic reading of this fic, which can be downloaded [here](http://amplificathon.livejournal.com/1328489.html)

It starts with a sign. It looks more or less like a road sign, except instead of red Xs and squiggly lines, the large yellow diamond bears a blue silhouette of a horned humanoid and the words: 'CAUTION JOTUN NESTING AREA. PLEASE RESPECT OUR ENDANGERED CREATURES.' And in smaller lettering 'JOTUN PRESERVATION PROJECT'.

Loki tears the sign off his front door of his townhouse without so much as a second glance. Ever since he started playing nice with Thor's little friends, the Midgardians have been leaving him little presents. He supposes it's a little sweet, but more than that, it's irritating. So, he disposes of the sign and goes about his day.

\---

A few days later there are more signs: The yellow diamond has returned to his front door, but this time it has twins bolted to the fence that surrounds his small front garden. There are more signs, plastic decals, stuck to all the windows of his ground floor. The sigil and words are the same: the blue humanoid and mention of the Jotun Preservation Project.

Loki snaps his fingers and each sign goes up in a puff of smoke. He has no idea what kind of joke or offering this is supposed to be, but he'll have none of it.

The yellow signs clash with the classy blue-gray and navy exterior of his house.

\---

There is a man in Loki's kitchen.

Loki, just woken up and wearing only his underwear, freezes in the doorway.

"Who the hell are you?" he asks. The man stares at him for a few moments, then begins scribbling in a notebook and muttering into a tape recorder.

Loki resists the urge to fry the human where he sits. He's good now... well, not good, but he's off destroying things. He told Thor he'd at least make an effort, and he knows SHIELD is still monitoring him. When a mentally challenged human wanders into your living space, you don't blast them into bits.

It takes some prodding and yelling (and maybe a tiny, totally harmless, barely-even-singed-him-honest zap or two) to herd the human out the door. The crazy man is still muttering into his tape recorder when Loki shoves him out the door. It sounds like "The subject is extremely territorial and will defend it's nesting area if threatened."

\---

"I WILL NOT HAVE THIS, BROTHER!" bellows Thor.

"I told you, it wasn't me. I haven't left this city is two months. Go bother Doom," Loki says, pouting.

"RAAAWR!" Thor roars and flips over Loki's bookshelf.

"You idiot!" shrieks Loki. "I just got that from Ikea YESTERDAY! Do you have any idea how long it took to put that goddamned thing together?!"

"Tell me who is responsible, Loki!" Thor growls. He doesn't go so far as to grab Loki, but he's getting pissed. Loki stands his ground.

Thor makes a terrifying noise and makes as though he's going to charge when...

"Excuse me!" A tiny woman wearing garish clothing and sporting dreadlocks tugs on Thor's cape. "ExCUSE me!"

"W-what?" Thor stutters, staring at the woman in shock.

"This is a protected nesting area. I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the woman says sternly.

"A protected... Loki, what is this?" Thor looks to his brother, confused.

The woman carries on. "The Pygmy Jotun is classified as an endangered species by the ESA and it's against federal law to harm one or to disturb it's nesting grounds." The woman, despite her short stature, begins to drag Thor out of Loki's house. "This is just a warning, okay, but you need to know that disturbing one of these majestic creatures is punishable by law."

Loki waves as Thor is ushered out.

\---

The elderly British man is standing over Loki as he awakens, gesturing to Loki and whispering to a camera being operated by another man.

"This extraordinary creature, the rare Pygmy Frost Giant, is a solitary animal, native to the extradimensional region of Jotunheim. These creatures-"

"GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!"

"As you can see, these creatures are fiercely territorial and will put on a spectacular display to assert their dominance over a given area."


End file.
